I haven’t posted for a while…what with buying Christmas presents, finishing up the semester, and doing a few things to the house, I just haven’t made the time for it. But today, I opened up my WordPress and when I saw my reader feed, I felt like I was coming home! I had no idea how much I would miss the blogs I follow and reading them again, getting some new insights, and just catching up on peoples’ lives is sure to be the best part of my day.
We all remember from school that the earth makes a rotation around the sun every 365 days. But, did you know that every orbit isn’t on the same direct path? There is always a slight change so the journey is never the same…it’s always a bit of a different trip.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. How a new year is starting and it doesn’t have to be like the one before. So much happened last year…so many losses in my life, narc abuse, being diagnosed with bi-polar (the meds are really helping!), and getting stalked by a student. It’s been a pretty awful time…probably the worst I’ve ever had. But the journey for that year is nearing it’s end and it’s up to me to put myself into my new orbit and on a new path.
I don’t know what that path looks like yet. I made so many mistakes this last year. So many things I would do differently. I pray I’ve learned from them, but I don’t know if that’s true. I’m still seeing my narc. My family is upset about this (and understandably so), but they are being supportive of me. They might hate the behavior, but they love me. I don’t know why I’m still doing this, but he made promises to change, and I see some. New meds, more therapy, greater effort, etc., but it’s so freaking hard to forget everything he did to me. The lies, the cheating, the financial issues, the abuse. This is a path that needs to change in some way, and I know that.
I pray every night before I go to bed, and talk to God a lot during the day…I’m a yapper and he’s a great listener, but at night, it’s a bit more formal. I always hate asking God for anything, because he’s given me so much, and others have so little. But I’m selfish at times, and ask him for a man who will be good to me…treat me well…and love me and respect me as much as I will him.
The best years of my life were when my son was a little guy. I absolutely loved being his mom and having my own little family. I’ve learned that I can live alone and to be honest, there are some awesome advantages to it. But I also have a lot of emotional needs. I like to talk…go out…have a bicycling and running partner..have someone I can lay on the couch with and just read for hours with him…someone who will finally be my forever. That connection I’ve sought all my life. I don’t want Prince Charming. I just want to share the massive amount of love I have in my heart with someone who will reflect it back to me.
I know I’ll be making some hard decisions this year, but I also know I’m going to teach as much as I possibly can to get rid of some of my debt. I’m going to enjoy ‘me’ more and do more things by myself, with my son, with my family and with friends. I’m going to England with my son this spring, and I can’t wait to take my new camera and have my photographer son teach me some things so I can get some awesome shots. I’m going to read more, run more, eat better, and just try my best to make other peoples’ day a bit brighter with a smile or hug.
I want this year to be a good one. I think I’ve earned it. I don’t know what life will throw at me, but I’m thinking I can handle things much better now. I’ve been down that dark, ugly tunnel, and will not go into that again. I know what my illness is now, and I’m learning triggers and how to take care of me better. My journey this year has the power to take me anywhere…and no matter what, I’ve got me to depend on.
Thank you fellow bloggers for being there for me this year. I started this during a dark time and feel I’ve made some true friends and connections. I’ve learned from you…cried over things you’ve written…prayed for you…and just feel good knowing you are out there.
So…let’s do this 2018 thing together. Hey ho…let’s go!!
Prof K ❤