OK…I haven’t posted for a few days because I’m having difficulty with something. I just can’t find my voice.
First, I renamed my blog MePointToo. Do you get it? It’s like a new upgrade of me! But instead of using “2”, I decided to use “TOO” because it adds that I’m important ‘too’! OK…now that I’ve typed it out, it sounds a little hokey, but I thought it was clever!
Anyhoo…when I was writing about Sarge and our time together, I felt like I had my voice. My purpose of starting my blog in the first place was to have a forum, whether people followed it or not, to work through issues I was experiencing that was tied to the narc abuse I was involved in. I also wanted, if others started following me, to be a support to them as well. To validate what they were going through and to show a ‘journal’ of my own healing (which I think will be ongoing for a very long time) which was a bit different from the more informative websites already out there. And with the response I got, I think that worked. But I also know that people felt I was dwelling too much. Ruminating too much. Feeling too sorry for myself. And as I thought about it, I agreed that I needed to be more positive. More forward thinking. More PROactive than REactive.
I adore Dr. Phil. My sister has always watched him, and after downloading the OWN app, I’ve been watching him myself every chance I get! I hear him speak a lot about ‘self-talk’ and really take that idea seriously. I too believe we have ‘tapes’ in our heads, and if we have a negative tape playing all of the time, it’s going to cause the negativity to gain even more power. And if we have a positive one going, it’s going to have much better consequences. I’m trying, as I get through my days, to turn off the negative when I recognize it, and put in the positive. And I’m liking the changes happening!
But it doesn’t mean I still don’t hurt and I’m still not struggling with issues. Sometimes, I feel as if there are time limits put on our feelings. OK, you’ve grieved for 6 months, you’re done. That type of thing. And although I’m working VERY hard to move forward, it doesn’t mean I’m still not dealing with things. I don’t want people to think that. I don’t want my fellow narc sufferers to think I waved a magic wand and I’m all better now. Not at all. We’re all still in this together.
However, I want to help myself move forward and have better self-talk through this upgraded blog! And, I’m having a hell of a time finding my voice in it!! Actually, I’m having a hell of a time finding my voice IN MYSELF too!
OK…positive talk. Here’s what I’m saying to myself…in fact, when I run, I actually use some of these as mantras! “You are strong! You are deserving! You can beat anything! You are special! You don’t need someone to complete you! You are enough! You can be proud of yourself!”
But see, when I do this, I feel like it’s ‘braggy’! I’m so used to cutting myself down or minimizing compliments, that it’s actually difficult to say these things to MYSELF!! I feel like by doing it, I’m being the narcissist!
Hmmmmmm…we all know that Narc Personality Disorder is a real and dangerous thing…in the same cluster as psychopathy and sociopathy. BUT…is there a ‘healthy’ dose of narcissism? Is it all bad? Are we focusing on the EXTREME, dangerous aspects of the PERSONALITY DISORDER, while there’s also ‘adaptive’ or mild narcissism? For example, we all know that narcissism is a grandiose sense of self and self-love. Now, take out the grandiose. Sense of self and self-love? That’s a good thing!! Narcs have exaggerated ideas about their capabilities…they are overly confident to the degree of being hypersensitive to criticism and believing they are never wrong. But, wouldn’t a moderate degree of self-confidence be a good thing? What about self-esteem? Self-sufficiency? A feeling that you can take care of yourself, stand up for yourself, while also understanding you can learn from others and take their perspective as well?
I liken this to alcohol. A couple of drinks can loosen you up and make you feel good. And that’s OK!! It’s called moderation! However, drinking until you pass out is horrible! That’s when the drinking has gone too far…you’ve over imbibed…you’ve taken something that can be good (glass of red wine every day for the heart?), and used it to the extreme.
So, maybe I’m working on being a bit more ‘narcissist’…a bit more accepting of myself, a bit more self-confident, a bit more feeling like it’s OK to believe in myself and have love for myself. Is this a healthy dose? I’m thinking it is! For all of us!
I once had someone tell me this: “In the end, it’s only going to be you.” And they were right. You know, I’ve lost friends over Sarge…dignity among my family members, some of whom I’m even ashamed to face…and very much my own self-respect. All because of this disorder and how it was used against me.
But I’m also gaining a sense of who I am…who I NEED to be…who I CAN be…who I WANT to be. I’m seeing that I need to grow…look ahead…believe in myself more.
So…was the narc abuse worth it? NO. Period. But the lessons I’m learning from it will help me…are helping me. However, this education came at a high price…one none of us should have to pay. But, if something…anything good comes out of it, it just might be a bit beneficial…maybe.
Professor K ❤