You know, I’m a bit of a hypocrite. In my classes, I teach this: to love anyone, you have to love yourself first, and that’s something I preach but have never really done. Until now.
At times, I feel selfish in this blog…focusing on myself and the healing process of narc abuse. But, then again, that’s the point of it. To be open, share my story, and connect with others who are going through the same thing. I want people to understand how defeating this type of abuse is, and how horrible it is to the victim’s sense of self. I want people to understand this type of abuse exists and how common it really is. I want people to take the journey with me, and heal their own spirits too.
And I know I’ve been struggling with this for a while. Not feeling good about myself, and as I’ve thought about it, I’m wondering if I ever really have. I am a giver. But am I giving to others for the sake of doing that…or for the sake of making me feel better about myself? And, if it’s the latter, why do I need to do that? Just like I don’t expect people to overly give to me and it wouldn’t make a difference in terms of my love for them, why do I think I have to do it? I’m thinking I don’t…I want people to accept me and love me for who I am…not for what I can do for them. Plus, I’m also realizing there’s one person I haven’t been giving to, and that’s myself.
Not things. I got plenty of stuff (e.g. junk!) around my house. But positive messages, compliments, giving myself a break, letting myself make mistakes without overly punishing myself for them…I’m really bad about that. I forgive people very easily. As you’ve seen with Sarge, too easily for what’s been done at times. But myself? I find it very hard to forgive my own sins. And believe me, my list of sins is huge! I’m a ruminator, and I tend to re-live a sin over and over again, until it becomes such a force in my life, it’s ruining the present. That needs to stop. In fact, I need to take a new direction in life.
Forward. I need to look forward. I am still a bit anxious and depressed (but I have fibromyalgia and those are always going to be with me…great…), yet beating myself up over these issues is useless. First, it’s not going to help the depression and anxiety, instead it will most likely exacerbate it. And second, they aren’t my fault! For me, these emotions tend to ride a roller coaster. After the issues with Sarge, a change in my meds, and the loss of 2 important people in my life, it’s no wonder I’m on the down side of the coaster. But I’m going up again. I’m forcing that car up the next hill. I’m ready for it…and I deserve it. We all do.
So, what was my “Aha” moment? This morning, I got up, let out the dogs, and was walking around the house turning on lights. As I was doing that, I thought, “Wow…this is MY house. My sanctuary. My haven. And I love it!” It felt good, and right, to get up by myself and my fur babies and go through my routine. I felt whole. Not like I was missing a piece, and I realized that living alone is pretty damn awesome! I can eat when I want…watch what I want…go to bed when I want…run when I want…and the list goes on. I was always scared to live alone. Not because of the boogey man or such fears, but because I didn’t know if I’d be able to find comfort and a home within myself. And today I see that I have. It’s a great feeling! To wake up and feel content…with just myself.
Then, I looked in the bathroom mirror (and immediately said ICK…it was before my shower) and really looked at myself. I thought how hard I’ve been on me. How punitive I’ve been. How I need to celebrate who I am with all of my many faults included. And then it was like an epiphany…I realized I loved myself. Me. For the first time in my life, I loved myself. Not because of what people say. Not because of a relationship. Not because I did something good. But just because I’m me. And you know what? It feels wonderful!
This is what I know: we are all deserving people who have suffered in our lives and we all deserve the same breaks we tend to give others. We need to forgive ourselves, be patient, be understanding and know that no matter what, we deserve our own love unconditionally. Easy to say. Hard to do. But for all of us, it’s a goal we need to achieve. ❤