In my post yesterday, I talked about how Sarge was going to be taking classes at my college and how upset I was that he will be so close to me…in my safe place! He’s been texting me regularly since yesterday morning, and told me last night he is also joining the YMCA which is a block from my house. So now, he’s going to be in my neighborhood regularly too.
As we are texting, I am yelling at myself and saying, “What are you doing?! What the hell happened to NO contact?!” And, I thought I could handle it. Because I told you how strong I was getting. How much healthier I am. And guess what? I feel the negative thoughts starting to invade my mind again and confusion is setting in. I feel like I’ve been sober for a couple of months, and someone is offering my drug of choice. My rehab isn’t over, and that drug, for some reason, is looking mighty good. I know it’s bad for me. I know it hurts me. I know it’s wrong to reach for it. But just one more hit would feel so good.
Why do I think MY situation is different from everyone else’s? That I can handle things? That I can be strong and keep boundaries in place when I interact with him? I’ve been thinking about that all night (I barely slept), and my feelings are all over the place.
I’m feeling that maybe Sarge really is different. Maybe his PTSD from deployments and child abuse issues are the problem. Not narcissism. And I feel such a shame that I let Sarge into my life…and if I can ‘prove’ we can be friendly and have contact, would that shame lessen? I also know I’m a sucker for false hope…I always think there’s a possibility for so many things to get better. Letting go of hope is so damn hard. Further, I’m the type of person who tries to love unconditionally. I know I love my son in that way…there is absolutely nothing he could say or do that would change the love I have for him. I try to do that in relationships as well. So, I tend to forgive way too easily, and give in to things to please partners and show them that my unconditional love is real. And, I’ve been betrayed before, by a psychologist who sexually abused me for years. Sometimes I feel I have a ‘victim’ mentality and draw toxic men to myself. It’s almost like a pattern or loop I’m in, albeit a dangerous one. Sarge is giving me mixed messages…he’s acting as if nothing happened, while also saying he knows what a bastard he’s been. YES, I know this is a very manipulative tactic he’s using, but being an empath, I wonder if for once, he’s sincere.
Finally, there’s the denial. I know it’s true that narcissists can’t love. I know it. But, I can’t accept it. I can’t get to the place in my muddled thinking that Sarge never loved me. That is was only one sided. I believe if I actually say those words and admit there were no feelings on his side, I’ll break down. All of the abuse, manipulation, triangulation, push and pull…would have been for naught. I can’t face the fact I was just an object. Just used. One more time. By another person who created a situation in which he had power over me.
That psychologist that abused me? I thought he loved me. I knew what he was doing was wrong and I absolutely HATED what he forced me to do, but in my teen mind, I believed that him ‘wanting’ me was love. And now I’m in that situation again. Having to face the fact that I was nothing. And you know what? After being treated like nothing a few times, you begin to believe it’s true.
I feel like I don’t really matter much anymore. That I’m just living my life by getting through my days. Yesterday, I wanted to be Wonder Woman, and today, I’m feeling like I did weeks ago. Just because of some texts. It’s incomprehensible how narcissists ‘glue’ themselves to you, and then just play with you for their pleasure.
OK. I’m going to admit something that I believe is true. I’ve done some bad things in my life. I’ve hurt people. I’ve lied. I’ve stolen. And I am convinced that Sarge might have been placed in my life as a punishment for my sins. I know that sounds crazy, but unfortunately, with everything going on, my mind does feel off. So, maybe because of the hurt I’ve inflicted on others, I deserve this hurt as atonement. After all, we reap what we sow.
This is what I know: narcissists know how to hoover…they know how to pull you back in, and I realize that NO contact is what I need. I know that. I really do. But, I just can’t do it again quite yet. And, I don’t know why the hell I can’t.