I love reading other blogs, and follow so many great ones. Yesterday, I was reading narcissistsarechamelons, and came across this particular post: The Last Straw. In this post, the author talks about narcissists causing a slow death of the person along with their goals, happiness, etc. I thought a lot about this last night, and know how very true this is.
When people ask me to describe what I’m feeling as a I journey through my narc abuse recovery, I always say the same thing: as if I’m dead inside. And I don’t say this lightly. It’s exactly what I mean. Right now, I feel as if I have no more life in me. My light has been covered. My goals have been given up on. My faith in humanity has been wiped out, and I don’t think I’ll ever look at others in the same way. Who is wearing a mask? Who’s not? And how in the world do you tell at first?
I talked to my doctor today about my depression. Not all of it is due to what Sarge has done to me. There are so many other things that are feeding into it: there is a history of depression in my family, and many of us have been on antidepressants for many years; my friend and mentor died this past December; my marriage broke up; my nephew was killed. And I feel like there’s a big, black hole in myself where there used to be so much more. My doctor is optimistic that I’ll start responding to my upped medication and will grieve my losses in order to go on. I hope he’s right…because today I told him I really didn’t want to live in this world anymore.
My best friend of 31 years was abused horribly as a young boy. He went through things I wouldn’t be able to withstand a fraction of. And he’s a great, kind, sweet man who has helped me immensely. Hubby 3 was also abused as a kid. His mom was extremely neglectful and never hugged him or told him she loved him. His dad beat him with an actual switch almost daily and at times, he barely had enough to eat to keep him alive. Why? How can such innocent children be treated in such horrific ways? And these 2 men are wonderful. They didn’t become monsters because of their abuse…they became more compassionate to others who suffer through it themselves. So it’s hard for me to buy into the idea that Sarge is the way he is because of early abuse…his was so much less than these other 2 men experienced.
But, something was triggered in him that caused an evil I’ll never understand. And that evil is what ended up killing me from the inside out. I’ve never felt like nothing before, no matter what was happening in my life. I’ve never just felt ‘nothing’. It’s an absence of anything positive…and an empty vessel for negative thoughts to take hold.
Look how long it takes to ‘make a baby.’ From start to complete finish it’s 9 months, and once they’re born, they are at the mercy of everyone else. They are innocent, fragile, needful, aware. And after knowing how they can be shaped so easily, they then have to spend years growing to their full potential with so many roadblocks in the way.
Is that what I have to do now? If I’m ‘dead’ inside, does that mean I need to be reborn? Will it take me 9 months before I feel human again? Before I feel like I have a place on this planet? Before I look at the world, smile, and feel grateful that another day has been given to me? And after those 9 months, how long will it take for me to reach the potential everyone says I still have? Years? Years before I can look in the mirror and not feel unworthy for this world? Years before I can think back to this last year and not feel the gut clenching shame of admitting what I did in my relationship with Sarge? Years to look at humanity again, and see the good? Years to trust? Years to love again? Years to grow?
It seems exhausting to me. I’ve already done all of that. I’ve gotten through childhood, completed my education, raised my family, settled into my career. The thought of having to re-build another life seems insurmountable. Because instead of starting from ground zero, I’m starting from a place of no confidence. Of feeling so undeserving of 2nd chances. Of not having the childlike excitement that everyday brings, but instead having the burden of feeling I have to get through one more day.
That’s what everyone tells me to do. Just keep getting through your days and things will get better. Hmmmm. Just get through the day. It’s like a chore. And where’s the guarantee it will get better? It hasn’t yet. And some days, the ‘just getting through’ seems like I’m digging a hole one day and filling it up another. There’s no progress…just the same motions and the same feelings and the same sense of ‘nothingness’ Sarge has planted inside of me.
But, I’m a strong person. At least, I used to be. Maybe one step a day should be my goal. And when that gets a bit easier, I’ll try 2. And then 3. And maybe I’ll learn to ‘walk’ again. Run again. And maybe someday, I’ll fly. I’ll soar. I’ll have my ‘old’ self back but with lessons learned and friends made.
Am I dead inside? Yes. I am. But every so often I feel a tiny spark. Just one. A spark that I know can ignite a storm. I just need to learn how to nurture that spark and use it to build a fire in me that will burn out the bad, and allow good to come back in. I hope I can get to that spark soon.
This is what I know: Narcissists ‘kill’ you inside. That’s their goal. To use you and empty you until you are nothing and their supply is satisfied. It’s not fair. It’s not right. It’s not something good people can understand doing. But these people are out there. Waiting. And I pray everyday I never meet one again, simply because I only have 1 resurrection inside of myself.