And they all fall down.

Yesterday, I received a box from amazon and didn’t remember ordering anything (at least that time) and inside was a beading loom and gift receipt.  An unidentifiable gift receipt which is completely untraceable.  I asked my family and friends if they had sent it, and after learning they hadn’t, I began to think maybe Sarge had.

I hadn’t broken contact for 15 days and simply couldn’t help myself.  So, I texted him.  He responded by telling me he hadn’t sent the gift but the conversation continued and we eventually spoke on the phone…for the first time in weeks (I’m the one who called him).  After talking about his kids, his work, etc. the conversation turned towards ‘us’.  And, as if I hadn’t learned a thing about narc abuse and myself these last few weeks, I asked Sarge to give us another chance.  It’s as if I fell under his spell again just at the sound of his voice.  I had been a ‘sober’ addict for a while, yet tasted my ‘drug’ and couldn’t help but to go after a full high.  I asked Sarge to come over…that I missed him and thought we could make it work.  And while I was saying it, I was believing the words coming out of my mouth.  At least part of my mind did.  After all, I was more understanding of narc abuse and would be able to handle whatever came my way.  Right?  I’m getting (or so I thought) stronger…more confident…feeling more worthy.  And within 5 minutes of our 2 hour conversation, all of this was gone.  Weeks of work disappeared in minutes.

Finally,  I ‘convinced’ this man, who had cheated on me, used me, manipulated me, triangulated me, and destroyed my sense of self to see me.  Did you hear that?  I convinced HIM to see ME.  His answer?  “Ok, but in order to determine if I want to try again with you, I’ll need to see you to see what my gut says.”  Hmmmmm…

See me?  His ‘gut’?  So…if I look good enough and give him the right feeling, I’ll be worthy of a relationship?  With him?  Isn’t this all backwards?  Shouldn’t HE be convincing ME?  Shouldn’t HE have to prove his worth?  Shouldn’t HE be thanking me, profusely, for giving him another chance?  Shouldn’t HE be the one that I judge to be worthy?

Today, to be honest, I’m a complete mess.  And I know what I need to do.  But what I want to do is another beast all together.  This is what I want to say to Sarge:  “Look here, you son-of-a-bitch.  You are lucky I’m even talking to you, let alone giving you an opportunity to be a part of my life again.  You are a cruel, emotionless, user who has broke me more than I’ve ever been broken in my life.  You deserve nothing.  Nada.  And for ME to say I want to try again should make you get on your knees, apologize, and do whatever is necessary to atone for all the wrongs you committed towards me.  And that, my friend, would take a life-time.  So, you saying I need to pass your muster is bullshit.  It’s the other way around, buddy, and I’ll damned if I allow myself to be hurt by you again.”

Yep.  That’s what I want to say.  But I’m petrified I won’t.  I’m petrified I’m going to see him…just one more time…because I can handle it…just one more time.

This is what I know:  Leaving and staying away from a narc is a process.  A long, hard, grueling process and you can be sucked in again at any time.  ANY time.  Like right when you are feeling good.  And like always, the minute that happens, ALL of the old feelings come right back.  Like a tidal wave.  Which is what’s crushing me today.  A wave of pain I fear will never go away.

Professor K

 

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