Dammit.

I wasn’t going to even write this post.  I really don’t want to write this post.  I really don’t want to put down in words what I did, and I don’t want to see, in writing, my humiliation.  I REALLY don’t want y’all to know what I did.  I just want to go back 24 hours, and start again.  No…I want to go back a year, and start again.  Anyone have a magic wand?

magicwand

Like I previously said, I broke no contact the other day after 8 days of being good.  I don’t know why…my ‘addiction’ kicked in and I just couldn’t help myself.  We’ve been texting a bit back and forth, and I was feeling encouraged.  It was going pretty well, until last night.

Here’s the thing:  I still love Sarge.  I truly do.  I can’t get him out of my mind and I can’t get him out of my heart.  And the pain of not being with him is hurting me like hell.  So, I told him I wanted him back.  That I thought it could work.  I implored him to give us another chance…one in which we BOTH work towards a healthy dynamic.  I told him I would give my all to that.  I wrote a long text that I hoped would make him seriously reconsider our relationship.  And, I haven’t heard back from him.

I’m going to be honest here.  Sometimes I wonder if Sarge REALLY is a narcissist.  Sometimes I think that maybe he’s just a very troubled man who has seen too much abuse and death in his life.  Part of my reasoning for this is that narcissists don’t love…but he appears to love his family, because at the age of 30 something, he won’t leave his grandmother’s house, and says he really can’t be away from his family.

I can’t understand this at all.  When Sarge was overseas for his 3 deployments, he didn’t receive even 1 care package from them.  Not 1!  No cards.  No letters.  Nothing.  When he told me this (and I believe him after meeting his family), I was gobsmacked.  If my son were in that position, I would have sent cards, letters, goodie-boxes, supplies, etc. every single day!  It’s like he was forgotten once he was gone.  How horrible!

He also shared his childhood experiences with me.  When he was grounded, he would be put in his bed for days at a time, not allowed to move from it.  If he didn’t like something at dinnertime, he would be forced to sit at the table until he ate every bit of it.  He talked about how his mom and grandmother would slap him often.  When he came back from the service, and we first met, he was skinny in a very unhealthy way.  He was living with his grandma, and his mom lives next door, yet he was barely eating.  How can that be?  How can you let your son, who has seen atrocities committed overseas, basically ‘starve’?

Now…here’s what hurts me the most…and what’s the most confusing to me.  No matter how horribly he was treated.  No matter how neglectful his family still is, these are the people he’s listening to.  Sarge’s mom and grandmother don’t like me.  In fact, they basically act as if they ‘hate’ me.  It started when I didn’t want a piece of his grandma’s cheesecake one night.  I don’t like homemade cheesecake.  At all.  And, I’m lactose intolerant and homemade cheesecake has always made me queasy.  So, I said “no, thank you!”  Apparently, you don’t say ‘no’ to grandma!  Because after that, she treated me like I was dirt.  His mom and I got along well when we first met, but she sometimes says things in such a forthright manner that it’s hard not to take it personally.  Apparently, I’m too emotional (which is actually right!).  So…these 2 women in his life…who are responsible for the abuse and neglect he suffered, are the ones telling him how bad I am for him.  I’M the bad one.  Because I tried to love him unconditionally.  Because I gave him things.  Because I am a positive person.  Because…because…because.  Instead, they want him to get back with his ex…the one he cheated on me with.  The one who has burned his clothes…broke up his marriage…destroyed his property…screams at him…verbally accosts him…and uses his children as pawns.  (After they spent a weekend with her, they suddenly didn’t like me…by the way, that broke my heart.  His kids are awesome, and I wanted so much to be a part of their lives and see them grow up!).

You know something I can’t understand?  I can’t understand Sarge wanting a woman like that…a family wanting their son/grandson to be with a woman like that.  It doesn’t make sense to me.  But, I guess that’s just part of this whole ‘thing’.

And, it’s hurtful when someone chooses a moldy basement in a house where abuse occurred over a ‘good’ woman who tried to make his life better than it had ever been.  In other words, mold is better than me.  Great.

NOW…I know exactly what you’re saying…in fact, I can hear you screaming it at me!!  THIS IS ALL PART OF THE SYNDROME, PROFESSOR!!!  GET OFF YOUR ‘STUPID’ GOGGLES, AND PUT ON YOUR ‘RATIONAL’ ONES!  Every narcissist has a hard luck story.  Every narcissist will make excuses as to why they can’t be with you.  Every narcissist will triangulate you with their family (Sarge never stuck up for me…).  He’s fitting the pattern of what you are studying!  What the hell!!??

Here’s my response:  I DON’T WANT IT TO BE TRUE!!!!!!  I’m a serious empath who has also gone through 2 deaths and a divorce in the last 9 months.  I simply can’t face that EVERYTHING with Sarge was a lie!!!  I can’t let myself believe it!!  Because, I feel that if one more thing happens in my life, I’m going to collapse.  For the last few weeks, I’ve been walking around with a lump in my stomach…on the verge of tears every minute of the day.  And to be honest, when I do cry, I don’t know who I’m crying for.  Is it my mentor and friend who passed away after knowing him for 23 years?  Is it the divorce from hubby 3 who is a good man, and who I still love? Is it the death of my precious nephew in the Navy which was completely unexpected and tragic?  Is it the culmination of things I experienced with Sarge?  Is it a broken heart?  Is it wondering if I’ll ever be happy again?  Is it knowing I was ‘duped’, even with my years of education and knowledge?  Is it feeling like I’m nothing?  That I can just be discarded…without a look back…as if I don’t matter at all?  Is it all of the above?

Sarge himself admits he’s a narcissist.  And, I think…no, I know…that he is.  But I don’t want to admit it.  I don’t want to face it.  I don’t want to think there are people out there like him that I might run into.

I hate to say it.  But it’s true.  I don’t want to think about not having him in my life.  Because the love I have for him is real.  And I’m afraid it’s going to take quite a while for this heart…and this spirit…to heal.  Again.  You know, it’s tough when you know what you want the situation to be, because it keeps you from seeing the actual reality of what is.

This is what I know:  Being made to look like a fool is one of the worse feelings ever.  And being so entwined with a narcissist that you will humiliate yourself for them is even worse.  I think the lump in my stomach is going to be around for a while.  A long while.

Professor K

 

3 thoughts on “Dammit.

  1. I know you are hurting. I also know after a 30 year marriage what it feels like to be discarded. I have health issues caused by my ex’s treatment of me & by simply not providing health ins. I put him through law school. Made a home, gave him children, loved him. When he had used me up, broke me he was out there & then lied about why he left. Telling people I had an affair. & some people believed him! I cannot do one thing to change that. Only my response & actions are what I’m in control of. To not let him ruin the rest of my life. Bc people will believe what they want.
    Same with you, what you are going through is hard. Being with this man who is so much younger than you, & has this disorder, you are just asking for more misery. YOU WILL NOT ALWAYS FEEL THIS ATTACHED. You must be a disciplined person to accomplished all that you have. You must discipline yourself to overcome this! This may sound harsh, but I’ve walked this road ..& there is only one way through it & you don’t gain courage, wisdom, perseverence or respect from others any other way but doing the time & yes suffering at times..save all of that for a man that deserves it.. not this guy! Bc he is not a man!
    find ways to distract yourself .. you wrote you have friends, family. & son. That’s a lot!
    God Bless you! You can do this .. you must do this Sarge is not the one, or it would not be so hard. Believe there is something better waiting for you & heal from all of this heartbreak before you began again. It’s ok to be single. & be by yourself. When you are happy alone then & only then will you be free to have a healthy relationship.

    That’s my 2 cents you can take it or leave it. I’m just a fellow traveller that’s lived a pretty hard life. & I have learned from the mistakes & PAIN I went through ..

    Liked by 1 person

    • Linda…I’m taking all you’re giving me and you are giving me hope that it’s going to get better….day by day. I can’t believe you had to go through this for 30 years…you are a STRONG woman and an excellent role model for people like me!! Thank you so much for reading this and commenting…I feel like you’re out there cheering me on and it really does help….and God bless you too. 🙂 ❤ ❤ ❤

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s