Crazy title…right?? But, let me explain.
When Sarge and I met, he said how beautiful I was (and I know he was love bombing me at the time so I doubt he was sincere at all), but he didn’t like women who had bangs. Instead, he preferred long hair all over that could be tucked behind the ears. Sarge is also 20 years younger than me and I always felt ‘ugly’ next to him anyway because I saw myself as looking so much older. Knowing he didn’t like my hair was the start of my insecurity with him.
Since I wanted so badly to please him, I started growing my bangs, and as they got longer, I swooped them to the side with a barrette. Just a simple barrette so they wouldn’t be in my eyes. Sarge seemed to like the style, and I continued it so he’d be happy.
I also got a face-lift this summer…I mentioned it in a previous post. I NEVER would have done this had I not been with Sarge. He didn’t ask me to do this, but one afternoon while we were eating lunch at McDonalds. he said how his mom thought my neck looked old! I truly had never paid any attention to my neck, but immediately, I was struck with how absolutely HORRIBLE and DISGUSTING it looked and I became extremely self-conscious about it. So, I went to a consultation at a plastic surgeons, and he said I might as well get a small lift which would make both my face and my neck look younger. So…while I was growing out my bangs and trying to please Sarge in that way, I also went under the knife…which by the way, put me back $7,000. The recovery was so much more painful that I had anticipated; having 22 staples and 22 stitches in your face isn’t fun!!
Sarge ‘left’ me a month after my face lift for an ex who he went on to cheat with. When she left town, he was back with me, and then he left again a week later for good since she returned. I was so upset. I got this facelift…major surgery…and was STILL recovering, and he left me. Just like that. I cried for days thinking I spent the money and went through the pain for nothing.
But here’s what happened last night with my barrette. EVERY night I think Sarge is going to knock on my door, profess his love, say (and really have it be true) that he’s miraculously changed, and that he simply can’t live without me. Last night, as I was ‘waiting’ for that knock, I went into the bathroom and took a long look at myself. I realized that my face does look ‘fresher’ now, and that I’M happy with it, despite the original reason for getting it. I also decided that my long bangs were a pain. I didn’t like them. I didn’t want them.
And having to wear a barrette all the time wasn’t me. So, I took the barrette out and cut them. And I realized that I need to do what I want now.
Never again will I do such things to look a certain way for someone. Especially someone who doesn’t support me…appreciate me…or compliment me. Last night I did what I wanted. And I’m happy to say that I’m satisfied with the result. Today, here at school, I’m barrette-free and feel confident about my face. It’s a good feeling knowing that I’m the one that’s pleased.
This is what I know: narcissists will say things in a way that make you feel so much ‘less-than’ you’ve ever felt before. This is purposeful, because it’s just another way to manipulate you into thinking you need to do anything to please them. But, they are never happy. Never thankful. Never supportive. Period.