“Denial Ain’t Just a River in Egypt” ~ Mark Twain

Here’s what I’m fighting the most right now:  I don’t want it to be true that Sarge is a narcissist.  I’m thinking that maybe the PTSD he developed in the Middle East is to blame for his behavior.  I’m wondering if his abusive childhood caused scarring that can be fixed if I try hard enough.  I hoping that he’ll come to my house…tell me he’s seen the wrongness of his ways, and is willing to work and change just because he loves me so much.  I want to be fought for.  I want my goodness to be reciprocated.  I want him to be what he was in the beginning…forever.  I want him.

My best friend is asking me why I’m deluding myself with these ‘wants’ and ‘denials’.  It’s simple…because I can’t wrap my head around the fact that if he’s a narcissist (and yes, I know I have already established that in an earlier post) then our relationship together was a lie.  That he didn’t love me.  That he didn’t want me.  That everything I invested emotionally was for nothing.  That the pain I felt forgiving him of cheating on me was unnecessary.  That the emotional roller coaster I rode based on his feelings and behavior was a ride I didn’t have to take, because he would leave me in the end anyway.  I just can’t bring myself to think I was played a fool.

When I was growing up, I was bullied.  I had buck teeth, acne, glasses, no boobs, was skinny and presented an easy target since I never fought back.  Even then I was an empath…and was perfect for people who needed to have someone to have power over.  Instead of fighting the bullies and establishing some power and respect for myself, I would instead wonder HOW someone could bully me and WHY they couldn’t see how much it hurt me.  And…I wondered how someone could make me feel like such a fool.  That simply ‘existing’ as ‘me’ wasn’t enough…I had to be called out in front of everyone and bullied…feeling shame at who I was and how I looked.

Sarge was my hero when we first met.  He made me feel so good about myself and I felt I could tell him anything and everything.  I truly thought we had an unbreakable, intimate bond, and I worked hard at strengthening it any way I knew how.  To think I was being played a fool is almost too much for me to accept.  How did I not see it?  How did I let myself allow so much?  How did I lose the self-respect I had developed as an adult?  How did I try again and again, pretty much knowing the outcome would be the same?  How did I let myself look foolish again?

But see, I also know I’m not perfect in relationships.  Maybe it was me.  Maybe he was right when he said I tried too hard.  I was too needy (yes…I do crave affection and love).  I was too clingy (I like to be with the man I love).  I got too emotional.  After all, 3 marriages haven’t worked and I’m the common denominator, so it’s possible the ruination of this relationship is because of me.

The work I have to do feels immense.  I have to get back my spirit, my heart, my trust, my self-respect, my confidence.  Having lost all of these to someone who truly loved me would somehow hurt less then admitting they were lost to nothing.  That I wasn’t a woman he was in love with.  That I was just a ‘supply’ for him when he needed it.  I can’t quite face that yet.  And I’m mad at myself for not being able to right now.

This is what I know:  the hold Sarge has on me is enormous.  And after texting him for just a weekend, I feel like I’m back to square one.  Like an addict, I’ve ‘fallen off the wagon’ and need to claw my way back on.  My brain wants to understand and accept all of this.  My heart is saying that my love for him will never die.  My heart is saying that if he loved me, just a little, then all of this wouldn’t have been for naught.  My heart is saying it wants to try, just one more time.

Professor K

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2 thoughts on ““Denial Ain’t Just a River in Egypt” ~ Mark Twain

  1. You are thinking about it all wrong. You are saying it was all for nothing, but that is not true. You have learned something that few people truly understand. You are coming to understand completely something that other people so desperately need to know. You are gaining the tools to truly help people who are right now reading your blog in desperate need of help…in desperate need of someone who understands what you are going there and who are looking at you and saying, “Please let her do it, because if she can do it then so can I!”

    I myself am coming to understand what am I going through…no one believes in me…they all just think I will just go back for more and I will never change…that I will always be nothing. I am so tired of crying…so tired of being alone and afraid…so tired of feeling like I am completely helpless…so tired of feeling like the only choice in life is to go on in pain or to just end it all….

    At first you sounded so strong and sure, but now it feels that if someone as educated and strong as you can’t do it what hope is there for someone like me….

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    • You are so right about how tiring it is…and you are also right about how I am learning from this, and using that for others. You know, I was so strong and sure. And I’ll get there again. Don’t you think it’s like 1 step forward, one step back sometimes? YOU are strong…and there is so much HOPE for you!!!! I believe in you, and I’m thinking we both need to just believe in ourselves. We’ll take this journey together! 🙂

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