Sucked Back In…

I’ve been so proud of myself these last couple of weeks.  I know that the key to healing from narcissistic abuse is the no contact rule.  No contact whatsoever.  So, I blocked Sarge on my facebook (along with all of his family members), my phone, LinkedIn, and his 3 e-mail addresses.  I was doing great and today was day 13!!

Then, I posted an ad on Craig’s List and got a fast reply for the motorcycle I’m selling (the one I bought him that I can no longer afford) and thought the reply to the ad was fishy.  I could tell it was some sort of scam, and the person said they were in the military and were in a remote area, blah, blah, blah.  I thought it was Sarge.  Of course he would recognize his (my) bike, and it would have been a great way to get a hold of me.  So, I FOOLISHLY texted him just to see if it was him.  He texted back and said it wasn’t, and then started a conversation with me.  I KNOW I should have stopped after his first message, but I couldn’t.  Literally.  So, we texted back and forth that day, and today as well.  He said he wanted to see me today, and I said I wanted to see him too.  He never came over.

Here’s the thing:  despite the HORRIBLE things he has done to me, I still love him.  The love on my side is real.  And I have to come to the realization that he has no love for me.  My only purpose in his life is to be his ‘supply’ of whatever it is he needs…admiration, money, someone to manipulate, etc.  I don’t really exist to him.  What I can DO for him is all he sees.  And, since he decided not to see me today, he must have gotten what he needed elsewhere.

I’m so ashamed of myself.  I was being so strong and fell back in his trap so easily.  My best friend was married to a narcissist for 20 years, and he said how he would keep falling back in his ex-wives trap again and again too.  It’s an addiction.  Truly.  Research is showing that empaths like me get addicted to their narcissist.  The way we are manipulated, gaslighted, and used creates a ‘trauma bond’ and we literally become addicted to the person and what little attention they might give us.

During the relationship with a narcissist, they love-bomb you and you feel as if you have found your soulmate.  EVERYthing you do is perfect and they idealize you to where you feel wonderful about yourself and the relationship.  Then, slowly, they start to devalue you…start to criticize, question, verbally abuse, physically abuse, mock everything you do and you begin to wonder what it is you have done that makes them treat you this way.  As this is happening, the narcissist will pull back…then come close…then pull back…and you never know where you stand.  All you know is that you are waiting for that closeness, so you can show them how worthy you really are for them.  And when they act like you are again, you get a feel good rush that becomes addictive.  You live for it.  You seek it out.  You put up with anything, forgive everything, and devalue yourself to the point where you feel you are nothing without them.

I was feeling good about myself during the past couple of weeks…until I started texting again.  Then, suddenly, all of those feelings came back to me in a rush.  It’s like trying to quit drinking, and then having your favorite margarita handed to you.  And, since he didn’t show up or contact me again after saying he wanted to see me, he is simply starting his pattern again.  Taunting me with his ‘maybe’ presence and making me feel like I have to wait for him.

But guess what?  I don’t.  I know I can do this.  I had 13 days and I know I can do it again.  Research shows that it takes a minimum of 30-90 days before victims of narcissistic abuse finally start to feel free and themselves again.  I know I can do it.

This is what I know:  Narcissists know exactly what you need and they prey on this knowledge.  You can’t believe anything they say, they have no true feelings for you, and they will never change.  Never.  Maintaining no contact is the only way to start breaking free.  I want to be free.

Professor K

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